A Mate for Titan (The Program Book 7) Read online

  18

  Titan was in his jeans. No shirt. The denim rode low on his hips. So very low. His shirt lay discarded on the floor at his feet. His abs had abs. His pecs demanded to be licked. Who was she kidding, every muscle on his sculpted chest demanded to be licked and nibbled and licked some more. Those muscles on either side of his neck were obscene. They made her head spin. She picked up the shirt and handed it to him. “You might want to get dressed.”

  He took the shirt from her but didn’t make a move to put it on. “You should go.”

  “You shouldn’t have run away and then maybe we could’ve had this conversation in a more neutral zone like two adults.”

  “Nowhere is neutral with you.” His eyes narrowed in on hers. So blue and beautiful. His shirt was still clasped in his hand.

  Natasha swallowed hard. “Fair enough.” She sucked in a deep breath, holding it inside her for a moment before slowly letting it out. “I need to apologize to you for a couple of things.”

  “No, you don’t.” He threw the shirt on the floor. “You don’t have to say anything. You can go, we can forget this crazy night ever happened and—”

  “No. There are some things that need to be said, things I need to say.”

  He ran a hand over his face, his beard catching. “Don’t do this.”

  “Don’t try to stop me from doing this. It needs to happen, Titan.”

  “Fine, but know that depending on what you so desperately need to tell me, I might be forced to put in a request for your replacement in the morning. That would mean losing your job. Are you willing to risk your career?”

  “I hope it doesn’t come to that.” She prayed that the opposite was true.

  “You hope …” he snorted. “Just drop this.” There was an edge of desperation in his voice.

  “I can’t. I need to say my bit and then if you want to replace me you can.”

  Titan’s eyes clouded for a moment. His Adam’s apple bobbed. Shit, it looked like he felt something … maybe for her. Like he didn’t want to lose her. Then he shut down his emotions and folded his arms. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  “I shouldn’t have walked around the apartment half naked. It was wrong. I’m not sure why I did it … Okay, that’s not entirely true, I have since realized why, but it still doesn’t make it right.”

  “It’s fine, just stop doing it.”

  “I’m sorry for helping out with that woman earlier. It wasn’t right to take credit for it. You shouldn’t have thanked me.”

  He frowned and let his hands fall to his sides. “You were fine. She should not have put her hands on me. You were trying to be nice.” He looked away, looking hurt and confused. It had everything to do with what had happened in his past. He felt bad for not liking that rat-assed woman putting her hands on him. Like he deserved to be harassed by her. When he looked back up though, he was deadpan once more. “You stood up for me and had my back. You were doing your job. You’re my partner.”

  Natasha laughed. It sounded sad. Even though what he had just said was damned hilarious. “That’s bull, I didn’t do it because I was doing the right thing. I didn’t do it because I’m nice. Not even close. I grabbed her by the hair because I was jealous. Big time jealous! I wanted to break her fingers so badly but not because what she was doing was wrong, because I didn’t want her hands on you.”

  Titan clenched his jaw. His eyes narrowed.

  “It’s why I walk around half naked. I’m trying to get a reaction out of you. I want you to look at me. For the first time, I want someone to show interest … but you don’t. It drives me crazy.”

  “I’m a vampire, I’m your superior. This is inappropriate. This whole conversation is—”

  “I like you Titan. I’m attracted to you and I’m pretty sure you feel the same way about me. Why can’t we just—”

  “No!” he growled. “We’re not even friends. I told you that. How did this turn into something more than even that?”

  “We are friends, dammit but I want more.” There … it was out … finally. “That’s why I’ve pushed so hard to get you to open up. To take down those walls you have around yourself. I want more.” Her voice quivered so she bit down on her bottom lip to stop herself from drizzing. She was a big girl and big girls didn’t cry. Not this easily, anyhow. “I think you might want more too. Deep down inside.”

  Titan groaned, sounding frustrated. “It’s not going to happen. Let’s put aside the fact that my lores clearly forbid any type of relationship between our species. Let’s put this whole damn case aside, because let’s face it, you and I fucking like rabbits would put this investigation at risk. I keep telling you I’m a bad male but you won’t listen. That’s the main reason that you and I will never happen.”

  “More bull! You keep saying how you did this terrible thing but here’s the problem: I don’t believe you. Are you telling me that you’ve changed so drastically since it happened? You are not this evil, terrible person you keep saying you are. Actions speak louder than words. You are sweet and kind and—”

  “I almost raped someone. There is nothing nice or kind about me. I didn’t hear her when she said no, when she begged me to stop. I wasn’t listening.” He looked anguished. His eyes were haunted; she could see that he was recalling the event.

  “When did it happen?” Her voice shook.

  “A year and a half ago. We had very little interaction with humans. There wasn’t even talk of The Program yet. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking. I was this huge asshole. I screwed anything that moved and they all loved it.” He shoved a hand through his hair and walked to the other side of the room. “I can make a dozen excuses, they would all sound feasible but the truth is that I was an arrogant, cock-sure prick who didn’t believe it was even possible for a female to turn me down.”

  “Who was she?”

  “A human, her name is Becky. She was rutting two males.”

  “Two?”

  He gave a humorless smile. “It isn’t a big deal for non-humans. If we are aroused, we rut. It’s much more simple. It is always mutual though. Both parties need to be aroused and if it happened with more than one person in a day, or two people at once, then so be it.” He shrugged. “We see it like drinking or eating, or even breathing; it is a bodily function that needs to happen, like any other.” He sounded like Drago.

  Holy shit! “Have you had sex with more than one person in one day?” She felt her eyes widen. “Or more than one person at a time?”

  Titan nodded. “I used to be highly sexual. I rutted at will. I was popular with the females. Too fucking popular for my own good.” He ran a hand through his hair again and growled. “I’m making excuses again.”

  Moving on! “You said Becky was a human … wasn’t that against the lores?”

  Titan nodded. “Yeah, completely. The males she had rutted were both in the dungeon for disobeying our lores and she was visiting them.”

  “Okay, I see.” Sort of.

  “I must have interrupted something when I went down to check on the prisoners because the female was highly aroused. We joked earlier about putting you over my shoulder but it is not a joke,” he growled, sounding so hurt. “I carted the female away. I told her that she would enjoy it if I rutted her. I could have had any female. I was good at giving pleasure …” He clenched his teeth. “I could scent her need. It was maddening. I didn’t listen to a thing she said. I should have though. I’m making excuses. No is always no! Why the fuck didn’t I listen?”

  “Are you saying you literally didn’t listen or that you heard her but ignored her?”

  He shook his head. “I listened with my nose, not my ears. I told her I was going to make her scream and that no one would hear. I didn’t mean it like it sounded. Fuck!” His eyes were filled with horror. “I meant to give her pleasure, give her what she needed. I touched her, tore at her clothes; that’s when it hit me, the stench of her fear. I realized what I was doing. I heard her words. The
female was terrified. I realized what it looked like. I was about to apologize, to …” He wiped his eyes.

  Shit! It looked like he might be crying.

  “What happened?”

  “One of the males broke free. He came at me and knocked me out before I could explain.”

  “You should have spoken up afterwards.” Her voice was shrill.

  Titan shook his head. “It should never have gotten that far in the first place. I’m fucked up. I’m not worthy of any female … not ever again.”

  “Cry me a river,” she mumbled. “You sound like someone who feels sorry for himself. Why don’t you just go and sit in a dark room then? Furthermore, why aren’t you in jail or your dungeon?”

  “I explained things to my kings. I felt broken inside. It can’t be even half what that female went through.”

  “I take it she took it badly. She won’t let anyone near her and has to see a psychologist twice a week?” Natasha wasn’t trying to make light of what had happened. Titan had been wrong but he didn’t deserve the treatment he dished out to himself either. She was trying to help him see logic.

  Titan shook his head. “No, she is thankfully a very strong female. She is mated to both the males and pregnant with their first child. I think that she is happy.” His eyes shone and he seemed to stand more upright. “I apologized to her and she forgave me but …”

  “But what?”

  “She was too nice about it. She said that she understood. I did a terrible thing. I don’t feel like I deserve her forgiveness.”

  “Would you do it again?”

  “Of course not, I’ve learned a great deal about humans since then. It would never happen again.” He looked pointedly at her. “I can see what you are trying to do, and it won’t work.”

  “I’m just trying to get to the bottom of this. Trying to understand things better. You said your kings believed you when you told them what had happened.”

  Titan paused for a bit. “Yeah, I was still punished. I received thirty lashes and had to spend three weeks in the dungeon, but my kings believed me. I would have been put to death otherwise.”

  “Harsh but fair. Why do you think they believed you?”

  Titan frowned. “What do you mean, why?”

  “Why did your kings believe you? They would have to have taken your word for it. Why would they do that?”

  He frowned. “They know me, they know I would never …”

  “Exactly!” she half yelled. “Don’t you see that? They believed you. Moreover, they believed in you. They made you head of human security and sent you here, to work with humans. Your king …” What’s his name? “Brant … he didn’t pull you off this case the moment he saw you were working with a human woman. He didn’t look worried.”

  “He was worried,” Titan fired back.

  “Was he worried that you would rape me? I struggle to buy that.”

  “No, that I would … that we would …”

  “Fuck? That we would fuck?” She raised her brows.

  Titan nodded.

  “He never once worried that you would try and force me to do anything though. Your kings believed in you. You still have tons of close friends. You weren’t put to death or ostracized. Okay, maybe the lady vamps aren’t so keen anymore but that’s their loss.”

  “How do you know the females of my kind aren’t interested?”

  “A guess.” Oh shit!

  He scrutinized her for a second. “That’s bullshit! I only ever said that I didn’t rut, I never said anything about—”

  “Fine! I planned on telling you, so it may as well be now rather than in five minute’s time. I wanted you to spill the beans and get things out in the open. I wanted to prove to you that you’re not this evil asshole you think you are and that—”

  “Just tell me how you know.”

  Here goes nothing. “Drago told me what happened and I have to say he painted things in a different way.”

  “What the fuck?” Titan’s chest expanded and contracted with each breath. “I’m going to kill him.”

  “No, please don’t. He’s worried about you. He hoped I could help you get over your funk.”

  “My funk. My funk?” Titan shook his head. “I almost—!”

  “You made a mistake. One you would never make again. Your culture is very different to ours in some regards. You rely on your senses while humans talk. You would never have gone through with it. Becky was fully clothed and although shaken, she got over the incident. She’s happily married. She’s happy … period. She’s forgiven you. Why won’t you forgive yourself? You need to—”

  “No! You are overstepping your mark, female.” His eyes blazed.

  “Someone needs to. I care for you, Titan.”

  “You don’t even know me.”

  “I do!” She closed the distance between them, reached up and cupped his cheek. Touching him was like touching a spooked horse. He was twitchy, ready to turn and run but wanting to trust all the same. “I know you enough to know that I want to know more … so much more. I know that I like you. I’m not afraid of you.”

  Titan closed his eyes and tilted his head back. He seemed to savor her touch. For just a moment she was sure that she had finally gotten through to him. Then he took a step back, breaking the contact. “No.” He seemed to grow in stature. “This conversation is over.”

  “Why won’t you let me in?”

  “I warned you, Natasha. I tried to dissuade you. You need to pack up your things.”

  “Forgive yourself. Drop your walls. Stop beating yourself up.”

  “Stop! You spoke with Drago behind my back and—”

  “What?” she frowned. “It wasn’t like that. I asked him to tell me what happened and he obliged out of mutual concern for you. Your friend cares.”

  “You overstepped the mark. I’m going to make him bleed next time I see him.”

  “No, don’t! I made him tell me. It isn’t his—”

  Titan laughed. “Made him? Yeah right. It doesn’t matter. Pack up your stuff and book a flight out tomorrow. I will put in a request for your replacement.”

  “Don’t do this.”

  “You did this. Not me!” A growl.

  “We can still work together.” Had she read him all wrong?

  He shook his head. “You admitted to having feelings for me … things are no longer professional between us. Our working relationship would be too strained.”

  “You have feelings for me as well.” She’d seen it. It was more than just an attraction. There was more and she knew it.

  “You are wrong!” Titan projected his voice, looking deadly serious. It hurt. She hardly knew him, not really. They hadn’t slept together, and yet it still hurt. He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t have feelings for you. I think you’re an attractive female. You have enticing curves. I’m a male, of course I noticed, but that’s where it ends. I don’t care for you and I won’t be taking you to my bed. Get that right out of your mind.”

  Shit! It hurt. It really hurt. Suck it up, Natasha. Suck it the hell up. She took a deep breath. “I had it all wrong then, but I’m not sorry I spoke up. I’m not a coward.”

  His jaw tightened.

  “It’s all still been worth it.” He looked shocked at her admission. “I don’t care if I lose my job.” She shrugged. “I only hope that you will think back on this conversation in the days and weeks to come. That you will maybe even think back on the events of that day. Try and do it in an unbiased way. I can only hope that you will start to forgive yourself and allow yourself to heal. I wish you an awesome life. You deserve it. You deserve love and a future and fun. If one day you realize it because of something that sparked from this conversation, it will all have been worth it to me.” She could feel the tears prickling her eyes. Her heart felt heavy. Natasha strode from the room blinking all the while to keep herself from crying.

  19

  Titan had not slept a wink last night. Not even for a minute. The first thing he’d done after
Natasha had left was type out an email requesting a replacement. He’d corrected it several times, had hovered over the send button and had finally saved it to draft. It was too late to send a document like that. He’d wait until morning. He’d then lain awake staring at the ceiling. Listening to every tick of his watch. Listening to Natasha tossing and turning in the room next to his.

  Titan had warned her. He refused to feel a shred of guilt. He was making the right decision by sending her away. He’d replayed their conversation. The female had interfered. He’d asked her not to, had practically begged her to leave things be, but she couldn’t do it. Why couldn’t she leave well enough alone?

  Unable to lie there even a moment longer, he’d showered and gotten ready for the day, a whole hour early. Then he tried to do his tie up. Natasha had tied the thing for him every morning. Each day she told him to pay attention, but each time he could only pay attention to one thing. Her. Her scent. Her warmth being so close to him. Her beauty. How damned sexy she was. Ultimately, he could only pay attention to Natasha, not the goddamned tie. That was why he still didn’t know how to tie the thing.

  It was better that she was leaving. A freaking godsend.

  He’d grab some coffee and some breakfast, and then he’d send the email. Leaving his blasted tie undone, he stalked out of his room.

  Fuck! He almost backtracked but it was too late for that. Natasha had already spotted him. She stopped, standing mid-tiptoe. “Hi … I wanted to put some coffee on.” She wore powder blue shorts ‒ tiny shorts ‒ and a white t-shirt with YOLO across the front, also in powder blue. The shirt was tight. He was fucked if she didn’t look exquisite. Her nipples puckered through the thin fabric. He could make out their darker color through the white. She looked down at her attire, must have tracked his eyes and the fact that they were half out of his skull and all over her.

  “Um … I had hoped to get out and back to my room before you woke up. You asked me not to walk around like this anymore and I hadn’t planned on—”